Are you focused on conforming to what is expected of you instead of what you really want?

Are you a people pleaser?

Are you a people pleaser?

Are you focused on conforming to what is expected of you instead of what you really want?

Societal pressures, family dynamics, work obligations … we are so entrenched in meeting everyone else’s needs that we are losing sight of ourselves and what is important to us. External pressures subconsciously are shaping who we are, and the problem is worsening. We are losing our authentic self.

The rise of social media is only intensifying the situation. We see highlights of people’s lives, but none of their lowlights. We compare our life to those highlights, and we begin feeling that our life is dull and unfulfilling. We struggle to fit in, to be liked and accepted. Social media is not a reflection of who we really are. It chips away at our ability to be our authentic self. By trying to be like someone else is like telling yourself you are not good enough. Is this really true? We are so bombarded with information influencing us on who we should be that we forget who we really are.

We constantly are juggling all of this information to better fit in, to become more successful, to find our place.

We live in a world that strives for perfection, that defines success by our job, how much money we make and where we live. How can you be your authentic self when everyone else, it seems, is trying to tell you to be someone else, and in a convincing way?

Finding your authentic self is not easy. As children, we were molded by our parents, teachers, religious leaders, peers and society to fit in. As a result, we developed beliefs, thoughts, emotions and behaviors that prevented us from discovering our authentic self. It’s been buried for a long time.

Ask yourself:

• What are your values?
• What do you care about?
• What is important to you?

How do you begin the process of finding your authentic self?

• Dig deep into your past. Think about events in your childhood that led you to adopt a new way of thinking or feeling that pushed aside your authentic self. Try hard to look at those discrepancies between your actions and your beliefs. This requires a lot of self-awareness and self-honesty. As you work to uncover your authentic self, you may think, “is it even possible to find who I am? My unauthentic self has been ingrained in me for a long time.”
• Remove your limitations. Keep building on your strengths and confidence. Life throws us curve balls and always will, but stay focused on the goals you have set for yourself. Keep your goals at the forefront.
• Release patterns of behavior and beliefs that are not true to you. If it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.
• Ask yourself what you truly believe. Begin a list if that makes it easier. Examine each one and think about how you landed on that belief and why you continue to hold onto it. Does it represent your authentic self?
• Speak your truth. This demonstrates that you are responsible, you can be trusted and that you trust others enough to show your authentic self.
• Make decisions consciously. A lot of decisions are made hastily in the moment with no forethought. Slow down and make sure each of your decisions supports your authentic self. Don’t let anyone push you into making a decision before you are ready.
• Listen to you. Listen to your intuition. How many times have others given you advice on what they think you should do? Does it match your authentic self?
• Keep your mind engaged with good and productive thoughts.
• Take time to chill, to live in the present, to savor your life to the fullest. Step away from your hectic life for a moment to re-energize. Every time you get caught in the stress of the moment, step back, take a breath and relax. Stress always will be chasing after you. Some people will make unreasonable demands of you. Life always won’t go your way, you will encounter hardships and challenges, and sometimes it may even seem like everyone in the world is against you. They aren’t. You are experiencing life on someone else’s terms. Don’t fall into that trap.
• Know yourself. Stay focused on your goals and what inspires you. Don’t give in to the demands and expectations of others just to fit in.

Once you know what you want for your life, start building a foundation and continue to build on it. Set boundaries. It takes time, and it takes support systems, but remember, this is all about you and your life. At the end of the day, are you happy?

My father was in the military and suffered an injury that left him paralyzed from the waist down. It happened on Nov. 6, 1989. He faced countless struggles; it was life changing. He was told no one would ever love him or marry him, no one would want him; these thoughts could have controlled his life. Ten years later to the day, I was born. My dad always focused on what he wanted in life and no one or nothing was going to prevent that from happening. He kept his eyes on his goal.

This resonated with me and helped me maintain my focus on what I wanted in my life.

People will say a lot of nasty things to you and about you – all through your life. You cannot let these define you or control you or lead you into a direction that is not right for you.

My dad is living the life he always wanted. Nothing was going to throw him off his game.

For me, I knew I wanted to help people, but I also wanted some financial stability. I started in school with computer engineering, but that wasn’t making me happy. Today, I not only am a psychotherapist, but also a probation officer with the courts. I wake up every day and look forward to my day.

I am thankful for my dad and the morals and values he instilled in me.

Find your potential. Don’t lose sight of it and you.

Recognize that developing authenticity takes time. Examining our true self is a process—perhaps a life-long process—because we are ever-evolving human beings. It takes quite a while to remove our beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve us and replace them with more authentic actions. But with some effort, you’ll soon find more genuine alignment with your true self. No one else is walking in your shoes.