Marriage Counseling:
Exits to Look Out For

Entering marriage counseling means that you agree to commit to your partner 100 percent, as you did in the beginning. People always say they want commitment, but for many of us it is terrifying. All too often, earlier experiences in our childhood were so abusive and traumatic that it frightens us to venture back there emotionally. And so, we manage commitments in different ways.

Entering marriage counseling means that you agree to commit to your partner 100 percent, as you did in the beginning. People always say they want commitment, but for many of us it is terrifying. All too often, earlier experiences in our childhood were so abusive and traumatic that it frightens us to venture back there emotionally. And so, we manage commitments in different ways.

Past experiences in your current relationship may have been so hurtful that you have created exits within your relationship. In marriage counseling, we teach that you have created exits so that you can tolerate the closeness in your relationship that frightens you.  Your adult-self says, “I am enjoying the relationship of my dreams. There’s nothing to be afraid of!” But your, your child-self—your emotional side—is saying, “This feels like my childhood all over again. I am in danger and I am scared!”

Exits are feelings being expressed into actions that lead you outside the relationship. If you are doing this, it does not mean that you are a bad person. It simply means that you are scared of intimacy and avoiding it.

Anything can serve as an exit. Common examples include:

  • Spending too much time with children and less on your relationship
  • Addictions
  • Alcoholism
  • Working out too much
  • Overeating
  • Overworking
  • Cybersex and viewing porn
  • Excessive time spent surfing the Internet
  • Having affairs

In marriage counseling we teach that exits do fall into two main categories: Terminal and Catastrophic

Marriage Counseling Exit #1: Terminal exits will destroy your marriage. 

These include:

  • Divorce, which is not the same as separating. You can separate and not end up divorcing. I teach couples in marriage counseling not to threaten each other with divorce, which creates too much anxiety and defensiveness.
  • Domestic Violence
  • Suicide: Although this seems extreme, it does happen. More subtle forms of self-destruction include untreated mental illness or mood disorders such as depression and anxiety. Not getting marriage counseling for such problems creates an exit that may end up terminating your relationship.

Marriage Counseling Exit #2: Catastrophic

Catastrophic exits will not destroy your relationship but instead, keep you from moving on to growth and healing—both as a couple and as individuals.

  • Affairs: A relationship going through the power struggle stage cannot compete with the romantic infatuation of an affair, so your relationship will always suffer by comparison.
  • Addictions
  • Insanity: The best definition is doing the same thing over and over, while expecting different results.

Marriage Counseling Tips:

  • Take the “D” word off the table.
  • Make the No-Exit Decision. Begin closing exits or at least start a conversation about closing them, which allows for you to do the hard work relationships demand.
  • Commit yourselves to three months of marriage counseling.